Finding Myself In The Dark
by Skarlet Is Determined
Summary: "Something from the start felt a little off, probably around the time I really grasped that there were male and female Kaminoans. I always wondered what the difference was, and later throughout training, I found out about a lot of other species and their different sexes and genders." Nick is a clone trooper just like any other...right?
1. ENTRY ONE

_**PLEASE READ THIS LONG-ASS A.N**. ~ Hello! First off, before anything: I do NOT own Star Wars or anything within the realm of it. Second, this story is **purely fictional**. I had this idea recently and thought, 'Hey, why not? I can do that. I have some ideas for that. Sure!' Third: if you are uncomfortable with anything from the **LGBTQA+** side of things, this is_ _**not** the right story for you. This story's premise is based on a clone's path of self-discovery and understanding of sexuality and gender.  
_

 _Next! This story does contain mentions of penises, testicles, vaginas, and has cursing. If you aren't comfortable with any of that, then this may not be something you'll enjoy. Following up with that, if I accidentally misrepresent someone in their sexual/gender identity, please let me know in a kind and coherent and detailed comment so I may fix that. And no one is perfect, so if you notice that I've made a spelling/grammatical error, please let me know so I can correct the mistake. Thank you!_

 _Finally! If you're a hater here to get pissy about A) the fact that I have a queer clone in this story, B) that I exist in general, or C) myself/things I've made exist and offend you and you **have to stay here to be angry and spend even more time around something you dislike just to insult it in the comments with insults or claims that it doesn't exist or it's wrong or blah blah blah,** please kindly remove yourself from my comments section, my story, my profile, and my life. You're no big damn hero if you spend time trying to make people who may actually like the story or themes within the story feel bad. That just makes you rude and unpleasant. _

_Have a good day/night!_

* * *

 **ENTRY ONE**

 _For me, the world started as a grey plain. Over time, colors fell over that plain to form my reality. Each one represented different kinds of information, and each shade or hue were extensions of that generalized knowledge. Growing up as one clone among thousands of others near identical to me, for a long time I was sure all of our mental plains were the same. We all looked the same, were raised the same, were taught the same things, and so on. What could be different?_

 _But as we grow older and get closer to graduation, our personalities have become more defined and separate. Sure, we still have many similar traits, but at the core of things, it's gotten obvious over time that we really don't have the same colors in all the same places, and sometimes the landscapes of our minds are completely different. And...I'm pretty sure my mind has always been different at its very base for a long time._

 _Something from the start felt a little off, probably around the time I really grasped that there were male and female Kaminoans. I always wondered what the difference was, and later throughout training, I found out about a lot of other species and their different sexes and genders. Basic understanding of what some dressed as and how they acted, how to refer to them by different pronouns, and all the stuff you should know as a soldier who'd likely encounter these species some day._

 _The longer I heard, saw, and learned about females, the more interested I got. Yeah, go ahead and think "but you're a man, so of course you are!" It's not like that. It's not that I really am interested in them for any reasons like wanting sex. I mean, we all learned about sex during training, and I don't think I really_ _ **want**_ _to shove my penis in anyone. Honestly, I don't even really like my penis._

 _It's just...there, I guess. I don't know how to explain how I feel. I don't want it there, I don't want anything really hanging out there. It feels wrong and awkward... Don't get ahead of yourself, I don't think there's anything wrong with anybody who's got testicles and a penis, I just don't really want_ _ **mine**_ _. Your next question probably is "then what_ _ **do**_ _you want?"_

 _I don't know. I don't understand. I don't even want to admit it, because it feels like if I even say it to myself, I'll be in trouble. The Kaminoans aren't forgiving of anyone out of the ordinary. If anyone found out...if I let myself even think enough to find out whatever it is that's going on in my head...well, I don't really like the idea of how that would go._

 _Something's wrong. Off and doesn't fit. But I'm too confused and afraid to really let myself figure it out. I feel...ashamed for some reason... I want to understand, but at the same time, it feels like taboo to try. ...Kriff, even when I write about it, it just makes me feel really unsettled. I can't keep all this here. Time to delete this whole thing before anyone finds it. My chest feels tight like there's something heavy on it. Whatever..._


	2. ENTRY TWO

_A.N. ~ Heyo! Just a heads up, there's some cursing in this one along with self-directed transphobia. Also a lot of self-questioning and self-anger. Nick is a little confused at the moment._

* * *

 _The rest of my squad's started calling me Nick, 'cause I kept grazing any long-range targets instead of fully hitting them during sniping trials. I guess it makes sense, but I feel really uncomfortable whenever anyone called me that. I don't really know why I don't like it. It's like an inside joke, and I'm not that sore about being a bad sniper. I think I'm in denial... I know why, I just don't want to admit it... Just type it..._

 _I think I don't like the name 'cause it sounds male. There. ...What the hell does that even mean? I_ _ **am**_ _male. I have a male name. So what? So why does typing that feel wrong? I'm a man. Every other clone is a man. We were cloned_ _ **from a man**_ _. We're men. ...Ugh... I don't get what's wrong with me. I don't understand why I feel actual self hatred when I call myself a man. It's so simple! Penis, testicles, no breasts. I'm. A... I... I..._

 _..._

 _I don't want to be a man... I hate being 'Nick'..._

 _So what, does this mean I wanna be a woman? I want to have a vagina and breasts? How does that make sense?!_ _ **Why**_ _? Do I wanna have a name that I think is female? How are names even female or male...? Damn it, this is ridiculous! I can't tell anyone, either. Hell, I don't want to think about anyone's reaction!_

 _What would Ferris think? He's my best friend and he'd probably think I'm joking or something! Or he'd think I'm a freak and start avoiding me. What if my whole squad stops caring about me over this? They wouldn't, right? Why would they? What even is 'this'?! I don't know what's going on. I hate this! I hate this and myself... What's wrong with me?! Something has to be wrong with me._

 _There hasn't been anything like this in training... We haven't heard anything about people who want to be women instead of men. I don't want to ask anyone, 'cause then they'll ask why I want to know or how I know. I want to ask, but I can't. Kriff this, I hate this... What do I do? I have to be normal, right? If I don't act normal, I'll just be hurt. It could hurt my squad, too. I can't let anyone know. I'll just be 'Nick'. I'll be a man. I'm a man._

 _...I'm- I'm a man..._


	3. ENTRY THREE

_A.N. ~ Well, this is the last pre-written chapter that I've made. I'm currently working on the fourth, but I can't promise any for-sure dates for when I'll update the story. I don't think there are any trigger warnings needed for this chapter, so that helps. Have a great day/night!_

* * *

 _They're still calling me 'Nick'. I still hate it. I still act like nothing's wrong. Well, I say that, but I still feel like it is wrong. Or I am. I still don't know. I've given up on hating myself, anyways. It's been weeks and I still can't make myself think any differently. I'm just feeling sick and miserable hating myself, and it's keeping me up at night. ...Alright, even now that I've accepted that I can't make myself think normally, I'm still up._

 _I still don't understand. Maybe I'll be able to do more research one day? Or maybe not. I don't know what it's going to be like off Kamino. The way they train us, it feels like we're just supposed to keep fighting 'til we're dead or all the droids are. Not much room for research there. But hey, maybe I'll be too busy surviving to care. I just need to distract myself from everything._

* * *

 _I've been focusing a lot on training recently, putting all my energy into it and my focus. I'm usually so tired from it, I don't have any trouble sleeping. Ferris has noticed, though. He keeps asking me if I'm alright. I just tell him that I'm excited to finish training and want to do well on the final exam. I mean, it's coming up in 78 days, so it's a good excuse. He hopefully will buy it..._

 _lewakjffwdlkskkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkksdijifjiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii_

 _...That was close. He noticed me staring at the datapad and asked if I was okay. I need to get better at hiding my emotions doing this stuff... But either way, it's getting harder keeping him off the trail. He knows me a bit too well, I guess._

 _Well, spending most of our lives together sorta does that. He's real good at reading people. 'N again, that's just what happens when you're surrounded by people in armor and Kaminoans who emote as much as a deactivated droid. Still, he watches a lot more than most clones I know. It kinda creeped me out at first, 'cause when we met, he never talked and just looked. It took months and he's still karkin' quiet years later._

 _Well, I guess the quiet types are the best at keeping secrets. He just asked to be called Ferris one day and never explained, 'n we just shrugged and said 'okay'. He still hasn't even told me what gave him the idea. ...Which is kind've impressive, 'cause keeping a secret this long when you basically live every moment of your life with other people is kriffing hard. I would know, huh?_


	4. ENTRY FOUR

_A.N. ~ Heya! Just a heads up, Nick's still talking about what's going on in a negative way. It's sort of an innocent confusion that comes out in a bit of a harsh way. Have a great day/night!_

* * *

 _Kriff, it's been months since I've had a chance to do this. Graduated from Kamino, got assigned to a battalion, and spent some time fighting. Yeah, seen battle. We lost Curly, but Ferris and the rest of the squad? All still here. Jared's gone from loud mouth of the year to quieter than Ferris since. It makes sense since he and Curly were close, but it's kinda weird since none of us ever talk as much as he used to. Hal's not been as stuck up and annoying as usual, either. I think he's just trying to keep stress off Jared. Not complaining, the guy needs it._

 _Our Jedi commanders are both female. Don't see them much 'cause they usually are dealing with the higher-ups, but caught some glimpses. The padawan sorta just stayed in the background since she's quiet, but the general's a bit more noticable since she's got a bit of a presence. Definitely knows how to give orders._

 _I'm honestly glad my helmet was on at the time. Couldn't stop staring. Besides seeing a Togruta Jedi occasionally on Kamino, and...y'know, female Kaminoans, I haven't really seen any women in person. I spent the whole time watching them and seeing everything that was different - from bodies to voices to body language and all that. They talk with different accents than I'm used to, and their voices are higher than any I've heard before. Not annoyingly high, just higher._

 _Now we're on Coruscant for a few days while the Jedi talk and do business. Meaning a lot of us get to spend time how we want. It's bigger and brighter than I ever expected, 'n way louder and more crowded. Not to mention just unorganized and completely a mess. The best thing about it being big, though, is that you also can't go too far without finding maps. I, uh, found one to a library, so I'm going to stop by there soon. Maybe there will be something that'll help with explaining...whatever it is going on in my head._

 _It's hard to really understand. I'm confused and scared still. I...yeah, scared. It's creepy not knowing what's going on in my head. I don't know if there's something seriously wrong with me or not. It's not the 'Kriff, droids are shooting at me and I'm probably going to die' fear. It's the 'Kriff, I have no idea if I'm the only one in this entire karking galaxy who feels like he's not in the right body and sounds wrong and looks wrong and shouldn't have the genitals he does and all that'._

 _Either way, I have only so much time on this bright rock. I can write another entry that I'll delete later._


	5. ENTRY FIVE

_I'm cutting straight to the point. There's nothing wrong with me. There are a lot of people who've got the same things going through their heads, apparently. 'Transgender'. Means our minds don't identify with the gender assigned at birth. I mean, I wasn't born, but I was definitely going to be made male thanks to being a clone. Whatever. My point is, I'm not stupid, sick in the head, whatever. I think. I'm pretty sure, though. A lot of the sources kept saying 'nothing is wrong with you' and stuff like that._

 _But having a name for what I am and knowing there are thousands...probably millions? of people like me is relieving. Don't feel as alone, anyway. I'm still technically surrounded by people who don't know what I am and I'm not going to tell anyone, but at least I know I'm not defective._

 _...Alright, kriff it, I wanna be called 'she, her', all that. But it's not gonna happen, so I'll just try and focus on the fact that I'm not sick in the head... Yeah, I'm going to forget that and get annoyed soon anyway, but I'm tryin' to be an optimist here._

 _Ferris asked where I was. Fair 'nough, since I was gone for a few hours, but at least I had time to think of an excuse on the trips there and back again. I mean, "exploring" isn't really a creative answer, but it seems pretty obvious with a place this big and complicated. He asked to come with me next time, though. I...I dunno, I wanna go around with him, but I wanna visit the library again and do a bit more research._

 _Then again, I sorta haven't been talking to him much lately. Talking to anyone lately. My voice is getting on my nerves. ...Yeah. My voice. I...ugh... I feel wrong keepin' it this deep and rough, but I tried making it higher and Hal asked me if I was having a second puberty. I...really need to punch him some time. That jerk aside, Ferris obviously noticed too and started asking questions. Again. He definitely has an idea that something is going on. I'm probably annoying him being this quiet, too._

 _I don't really mean to be. Okay that was a lie, I completely mean to be. But I don't mean to not talk to him as much and just... It feels like I've started sort of distancing myself from everyone. I hate it, but I don't know how to fix it. I don't even know how to deal with all of this. This is driving me up the karkin' wall._

 _Either way, I have to go. Ferris wants to go look 'round, and I just want a walk to forget all of this for a bit._


End file.
